Fear is a funny emotion.
Makes cowards of us all.
I would have told you I loved you.
I still do.
But the coward in me kept me silent.
Makes me sick to my stomach.
Things could have been so different.
You could have taken my breath away,
but I hesitated and kept my breath away from you.

Who am I?

I am a God fearing woman. I respect others but I respect myself the most. Why? Because other's respect is not guaranteed. I set my priorities and I don't compromise. I am a natural leader. Call me bossy if you want. I don't curse but I cuss alot in my head. I am mean, but it's my sense of humor. No one gets that it's my sense of humor, so they really think I'm being mean. I love to love. But I hate to receive love. So don't bother. I'm more of a listener then a talker. Mainly because I never know what to say. I write poetry because it can be as controversial as I please. I tend to be a controversial person. Controversial person; controversial poetry; makes sense. I'm a bad liar but I try. I am not a morning person or a night person. I enjoy a cool breeze. I like to laugh. I tend to be the one that makes myself laugh. I do not depend on others for my happiness, my security, my well-being, etc. I don't rely on others because dependability is rare. I myself am not dependable, but when I let myself down, it is easier to be hard on myself than to be hard on someone else. I strive to be the best. I want to make my parents proud. That's why I keep secrets a secret. You will never know the real me. I don't even know the real me. I like being a mystery. I am stubborn. I do what I want. I get what I want. Any blessing or struggle is all from God. I am thankful for it all. I am thankful for everything; my friends, my family, the food I eat, the clean water I drink, the opportunity for education, the opportunity to see the world, etc. I try to be a good person. But I try too hard. I fail. I like being alone. I don't like being alone. I prefer to stay home on the weekends. I have two cats because I want something to take care of and something to love. I am socially awkward. I have a staring problem. And I'm dyslexic. I am a simple person. I am a complex person. I have a lot of problems that I am working through. I don't trust many. I don't want to be told I need help. I am the one who decides that. I get help when I want it. I do what I want. Right now, I am trying to make me happy and put myself first. Sounds selfish. It is. But I'm tired of putting it on myself to make others happy. it's my turn. Don't like me? Don't care.

I always related to Scarlet O'Hara in Gone With The Wind.
A stubborn mule that was the tragedy to her own life.
And he's like the Rhet Butler of my story.
Patient enough to try and love that mule.
But Scarlet, she's a idiot.
She pushes him away.
And he eventually gives up.
And it's when he gives up that she realizes she loves him.
Frankly, he doesn't give a damn.
And she's left there, damned.

I am a diamond in the rough that you can't touch.
So don't make it your mission to cut and shine me up.

I spent last night trying to sleep in a cardboard box.
All the strangers around me knew I was lost.
My stomach grumbled at me for not feeding it.
No one would give a beggar money that really needed it.
The nights are cold and getting colder.
Couldn't sleep without looking over my shoulder.
The highway noise and sirens would never cease.
Dang, how did this happen to me?

I don't want you to know how I feel. I want you to feel how I feel.
I want you to hurt like I hurt.

I feel like I should apologize.
But I know you'll simply ask what I'm sorry for.
And I'll say, "I don't know".
I'm just always doing something wrong,
And for that, I'm sorry.

Here I was, alone.
And this mockingbird came and perched up beside me.
It sang me a beautiful song.
And I was no longer alone.

I feel like I just got dumped without getting dumped.

The day you came was the day I pulled out my fine china.
It was a special day, obviously.
You were special to me, obviously.
But you only stayed for a while.
You ran your finger over the brim of the cup.
You passed on the coffee.
You passed through me.
You left with a simple "good-bye".
And I put the china back in the cabinet,
Clean and unused.

Don't take offense when I say that I don't want your love.
Give it to another.
I give and give and give.
I just don't know how to receive.
So take what I give you and leave.

I figure
If I drink a little more
If I smoke a little more
If I curse a little more

They'll like me

If I drees like them
If I talk like them
If I walk like them

They'll like me

If I visit the places they've been
If I've seen the thing they've seen
If I believe what they believe

They'll like me

But you won't recognize me.
Because the old me is in hiding.

It is what it is but don't share it with the kids. The less they know the better. The less likely they'll ban together. The less likely we will be overrun. We can keep our power so long as we load our guns. Keep the people stupefied and maybe the will never know we lied. This is our government. This is our land. And if I have to suffocate a rebel I'll do it with my own hands. Keep them stupid. Keep them weak. IF we do that we can have this power for at least another week. Keep them scared. Kill their father's. Kill their mothers. Rape their daughters. This is how we win. This is how we stay in power. And America? No need to worry. They are never in a hurry. They will play footage of us on their nightly news. The families will watch as they eat dinner. And then they will move on with their lives. This is how we stay in power.

They turned off my lights, closed the door and whispered goodnight.
Sweet dreams, sweet dreams. And then I grew up and it became other things.
No one is here to tuck me in to bed. No one is here to put food on my table and make sure I'm fed. My childhood is dead.

I was once beautiful. Untouched. Pure. Innocent.
Man sampled over me. Raped me. Beat me. Used me.
He tore my dress. The one mother made me. Tore it to pieces.
He claimed me. Made me his property. And disrespected me in every way imaginable.
He cut me and divided me. Sold me to whoever wanted a piece.
He let them take me. He let them rape me. He let them beat me.
Here I am. Ugly. Divided. Used.
Here I am. Your land.